Friday, 5 November 2010

On Staying the Same

I was at a bus stop yesterday, white headlights driving past in one direction, red brakelights in the other. The wind was so strong I had to lean into it just to stop myself being pushed back. And that there, that's my life. All of the people driving past had somewhere to go or something to do. I'm stood still, struggling to keep my head above water, waiting. For what? A lottery win? A new and exciting job to fall in my lap? A cure for my mum's illness? Well, a bus, actually. But you get my point; the world keeps turning, seasons come, seasons go. I stay the same.

It's Bonfire Night, so the sky is full of fireworks; pretty, sparkling, multicoloured fireworks. I'm watching them from my bedroom window, thinking about 5th November last year. The only difference that springs to mind is that I didn't have a blog then. I was probably on Facebook. I was probably here though. Broke, bored and hoping that in a year's time something would have changed for the better. It hasn't, not really.

I'm fed up, in short. Completely and utterly fucked off with everything. I hate talking like this - wallowing in self-pity - because I know that I'm fortunate, all things considered. Things could be worse. But they could be better, too, and I want them to be better. I'm not sure if you feel the same, but I feel like our generation wants everything, and wants everything now. Buy now, pay later, instalments and loans and store cards. Why save up? Why work for it? Why wait? It's incredibly impatient. I was incredibly impatient and, although I've managed to rein in my spending sprees, I still feel that same restlessness when it comes to my situation. I want to change, to progress, to enjoy. I don't want to have to wait.

I want to scream. Seriously, I'm in such a mood - the worst kind of mood. The kind that builds up slowly, over a few days. The kind you try to bury with fake smiles, small talk and early nights. The kind that leaves you wanting to tell colleagues to shut up and get out of your face, to cancel your weekend plans and stay in bed listening to Damien Rice forever.

I'll be ok tomorrow. Who knows, maybe just posting this will cheer me up. It will certainly embarrass me when I read it once I've managed to disperse the angry little rain clouds currently hovering over my head.

Man up, Tom, and put some more upbeat music on.


  1. Oh man. What's with this week? I've been in a mood as well. The kind of mood where when one of my friends said, "Lauren, you don't look so great, let's go smoke," I said yes. I don't smoke.

    I feel like in ten years, I'll look back and think that being twenty-something was way too much fun. But right now, being in this eternal state of not really knowing what I'm doing, it doesn't seem like much fun. I completely feel your pain.

    I'm sorry this comment is not more encouraging and uplifting. Maybe if you listen to Aqua, the world will seem brighter? Or maybe Ace of Base? Now that I think about it, maybe I should get this damn Radiohead off of my stereo and put them on too. "It's a beautiful life" kills all slumps, right?

    Anyway, please feel better, my witty British friend.

  2. Echoing Lauren and you. I've been feeling the same recently; and this week quite a few of my friends have told me they are in unaccountably bad or apathetic moods. Perhaps we have a bout of SAD. As in seasonal affective disorder, not just a very abrasive sadness. Damn you acronym.

    All I can suggest is looking for new things, new projects, a new job? Something to look forward to, something to create. But I know how utterly tough that is when you feel like staying in bed all day.

    I hope you feel better soon.
    If I were there (and if you like tea) I would *totally* make you a cracking cup of tea right now.

  3. A lot of us are in the same boat-- shit just sucks. And yeah, part of the problem has to do with the ADD-tendencies of our generation. I really do want this shit storm to be over, though.

  4. Happy Guy Fawkes (Thank you Second Year British History)!

    I feel the same way - but I've noticed a change recently. I feel like by being more social and getting out more I don't hate how stagnate my life has become. Everything's been put on hold. You are so right about our generation. Our parents worked so hard so we could have it all - but now we just EXPECT it right now.

    TASG to the rescue!

    Listen to my recommended Happy songs and bands. And next Guy Fawkes, go out and watch the fireworks with friends. You have to force yourself. It might be fun.

  5. I had a similar feeling of self disappointment when MJ's death came around. It was my first night in Paris. When it happen again, I was doing a shitty job with no thanks. It was sad to pull that out as a moment of all that had not changed.
    But a lot of it had, really.
    It just felt the same. Sometimes we ask too much of ourselves. Sometimes we are not talking about the right things.
    Have you written much on your mother's sickness?

  6. Tom,

    Sometimes a wallow is what we need. Even if there are fireworks going off and everyone's sporting the Guy Fawkes mask from V for Vendetta.

    I think we want more, we need more... and in a way, it's because we are more. (I don't know if that quite makes sense to anyone but me) Things can always be better, and just because they're OK now doesn't mean we have to be happy with it and move on. Nothing would change and we would never have anything new if that's what happened. But, baby steps- tiny changes, that'll make it better bit by bit.

    I too have been in a mood. So I lay on my bed, put Iron and Wine on loud and pretended the world didn't exist. It didn't make my mood go away, but it made my heart loosen up a bit.

    Do whatever works best. Sometimes it's wallowing.

    And as always, "pat, pat" and.. keep your chin up. x


    It's kinda amazing how we all are in a crappy mood. I'm kinda jealous that you are able to say what you really feel on your blog. I don't have that ability. Certain things worry me. Some people I know read by blog.

    I wish I can say things to make you feel better. I understand how you feel. There are just times when you feel like screaming. In my case, I feel like randomly punching a stranger just to release the heaviness in my chest but you know, I can't do that.

    Come on, let's have a beer.

  8. I found you on 20sb and trust me it had to be this week. I have been in such a bad mood and so mean, and I'm going to stop. I can't go into a rant on somebody else's blog, right? haha For the record, rant all you want here. It's your blog. I love it. Can't wait for more. =)

  9. @ lovelifelies - If you want to hear him rant a bit more - he rants here every Wednesday:

  10. love the honesty - but I agree, I think something is in the air because I think it's reached me in Texas..Luckily music fixes most everything for me

  11. Hi everyone, firstly, thanks for smiling and nodding while I threw a tantrum. As predicted, I am slightly embarrassed at being such a prima donna. Also, for everybody who has experienced the same mood this week, I hope I didn't start it. A Tom-Mood Pandemic, spread via the internet. The world does not need that.

    @ Lauren - next time I descend into such a chasm of despair, I'll remember your wise words. Europop would have helped. Perhaps a little Dr Jones, or that other one about saying goodbye to half a kingdom. Not 'If Only I Could Turn Back Time', I think that could increase the mood. I bet the cigarette didn't make you feel better. I used to smoke, a lot. Even now when I'm in a foul mood I get a craving. I kept a lid on it on Friday though. Smokey smokey no no.

    @ Rachel - a cuppa would have gone down a treat. Aqua on the radio, a cup of tea, ah - that's the life. Now I've returned to a more stable frame of mind, I know my job's not the problem. It's quite good, really. Maybe I should try creating something though - other than havoc, which I'm already quite good at.

    @ the Tsaritsa - 'shit just sucks' sums up my mood on Friday perfectly. How's your shit storm going? Mine's blown over - for now. I hope.

    @ Allison - top marks on your knowledge of British tradition there. I did force myself to a fireworks night, but on Saturday (this was the one where I woke up under a pile of coats!) and actually talking to people, having a laugh, did make me feel better. I guess wallowing isn't the right thing to do, but it's so bloody tempting.

    @ Traveler@Large - Erm, no not really. I mentioned it in a post in August (On A Wake Up Call) but I tend to avoid mentioning it, or talking about really. Basically, she's got multiple sclerosis, which is a damn shame. But trust me, don't get me started. Haha.

    @ Risha - tiny changes are indeed the way forward, you're right. I think once I get my head round that, it will be a lot easier to look to the future and see progress rather than monotony. I like your method of mood-busting. I listened to Damien, as mentioned, shouted at N for a while, apologised profusely, burnt my dinner, shouted at the over, didn't apologise, went to bed. Next time, I'm trying your way. I bet it's more effective.

    @ Gnetch, it's my round - what are you drinking? I suppose I take it for granted that I can say what I like on here. I think if somebody I knew read it, I'd censor myself more which I guess would make it less effective. Who says you can't punch strangers? You rule the world woman, you can do what you like!

    @ Lovelifelies - HI! And rant here, you're more than welcome. It makes me feel less of an oddball if other people join in! Thanks for all the kind words, hopefully in future my posts will be more uplifting and less emo.

    @ Picosita - what music? I must know for next time, as the music i played just depressed me more. We should publish it online so the world knows how to tackle this global bad mood. And hi, by the way!

  12. You and I need to go to the pub and get pissed.

    For real.

  13. I'm in complete agreement with you.

  14. I think that this is a phenomenon which is sweeping through this generation.

    We're bored with the blase and normal. We want something more.

    My parents think it's because we all don't want to grow up. I think it's because we are simply built that way. To desire more.

    I almost up and quit my job last week because I'm tired of it. The same faces, the same duties, the same place, the same stressful atmosphere.

    And maybe a lot has to do with the fact that I had the opportunity to experience what life pursuing my dream would be like... and it was awesome and adventure filled... and now, I do this. And its so bleeping boring.