Sunday, 1 August 2010

On Beer

Dearest Beer,

We've known each other for longer than I care to remember. You've stuck by me through thick and thin, through good times and bad - and I'll never forget that. You might not like what I'm about to say, but what sort of friend would I be if I only ever told you things that you want to hear? No, I have to get this off my chest.

I often find myself thinking about the good times we've shared - all the beer gardens, gigs and parties. But lately, Beer, you've changed. It's hard to put my finger on exactly how, but I'm starting to get the impression that you really don't like me. Take last night for example, I thought we were getting on well. I was enjoying myself and thought you were too. So why have you landed me with this god-awful headache? Are you happy that I spent this morning either wrapped around the toilet bowl or hanging my head out of the car window? Was it your intention to render me unable to stand up without feeling an urgent need to vomit? What did I do to you to deserve this? You were never this bad, before. We used to be so happy, but this vengefulness and spite you have exhibited of late is getting too much for me to bear.

I'll be brutally honest, else what's the point in even writing this. I'm thinking of leaving you. There was a time, not so long ago, in which I couldn't have lived without you - but you're not the only one in my life now. I could spend more time with Wine, perhaps. We've met a few occasions and get on well enough - though it is generally quieter, restrained and more sophisticated than when you and I are together. Or Whisky, although I'm not sure I could handle the aggression all the time. Whisky is mad. This is what upsets me most; we're pretty much perfect for each other, you and I. I don't want to abandon you but you're pushing me away and I just don't have the energy to fight back.

Please - I beg you - let me know whether there's any chance we can return to the fun-filled, carefree days of my youth. Perhaps we can still make this work? I'm willing to try, if you are.

With love,


PS As I'm already writing to you, I wonder if you could stop doing that thing where you make me forget everything. It's not on. I would have liked a few memories of my cousin's wedding reception to cherish but you wouldn't even give me that, would you? Selfish bastard.


  1. Hahaha! That was funny. So beer had given you a hard time huh? Hmmm, glad we don't know each other that well. The first time i get to drink i was absent for 3 days at work because i had this thick and itchy redness on my skin, yeah allergy!

    Hope you're already fine now and got your memory back. :D

  2. Dear T,

    It's not me. It's you. You're getting old.
    And I am not.



    God dude! Thank you! You made me laugh. Hangover sucks big time! Hope you're doing better. We will hang out with "wine" on 2011. When we win the lottery. Beer is out!

  3. hahahaha.. I loved this post! I totally feel the same way about beer sometimes. I'm definitely a bigger fan of wine these days. Well who am I kidding though? Beer and I have been well acquainted this summer, as we were last summer too. So maybe beer is just like my summer fling. Our relationship slows a lot when the seasons change. hehehe

    Feel better!!

  4. T,
    Sweetheart; you and I need to get over our Beer dependency. I went to Austria and Belgium (!) determined not to indulge Beer and be good whilst sipping on wine spritzers like the lady that I pretend to be sometimes. Instead, I downed beer after beer and forgot how I got to the hostel and marvelled at how I always woke up in the taxi just before he turned the wrong way. There was that one fantastic night with gin and tonic too. But Beer. Sigh.
    Want to start a doomed-to-fail support group?

  5. This is why I refuse to drink beer. Actually that's a lie, I just don't like the taste. Well that and my mother used to tell me that 'classy girls don't drink beer or go to pool halls'. I was also 6 at the time and didn't even know what either of those things were.

    Besides, vodka seems to have the same effects...

  6. Can you bear a life without beer? Maybe you should shop around a bit, and make beer jealous:) At least beer doesn't whine like wine does. God, I'm terrible at clever puns::(

  7. Sometimes, when you love something, you gotta let it go. I don't like beer but I love wine. I hope the vino treats you better!

    By the way, thanks for sharing that flow chart. Scarily accurate.

  8. @ Mish - unfortunately my memories are gone for good. There's no hope for them. I'm almost jealous of your allergy. I mean I could do with something other than my pathetic willpower to discourage me from drinking too much.

    @ Gnetch - yes, no beer in 2011. Maybe some champers instead? Yeeeah let's do that. And I am not old. I'm like Peter Pan. [I wish].

    @ Stargazer - haha, so beer is like a fair-weather friend for you? A summer fling, I like that idea. I think I'll split the year up into parts, each part having a different drink. That way none of them will get too nasty or complacent.

    @ Risha - support group yes. Where? A know a great pub...hang on scrap that. You cannot go to Belgium without drinking beer - that would be all kinds of wrong! My favourite beer is Belgian...Stella Artois *hangs head in shame* Don't judge me.

    @ Kisekae - perhaps your mother has a point and my complete lack of class is a direct result of my love of beer. Vodka I can't stomach. It makes me gag. I salute all those who can drink it.

    @ Alexandra - no, I can't go without. In fact I've had two pints since the breakup above. We're like soulmates, me and beer, destined to be together. I tried to think of a couple of alcohol puns myself, but got really BORDEAUX. But at least I gave it a SHOT. Oh my God, I am so crap.

    @ theTsaritsa - I hope so too. I really mean that, after falling out with Beer I need another drink to welcome me with open arms. Re: the flow chart - I know right, I don't know about the situation in the USA in depth so I don't know how accurate it is, but I guess the same arguments are used almost everywhere.

  9. The Stella is grand, but the sheer number of choices in Belgium is astounding. I'd forgotten how long the beer lists were...
    I think the support group requires a beer tasting tour through the entire list.